Two Year Anniversary - Two Tragedies

Today is our second anniversary. To celebrate, I went to an Al-Anon meeting. Well, that's not all that happened today. We also spent the morning painting the 4th side of our house the same color as the other three (it's been almost year of them not matching), took our daughter swimming in the afternoon, and then went out to dinner. Ostensibly speaking, this does not sound like a bad day - not even a bad anniversary for two people with a one-and-a-half year old. We even managed to get through it without conflict. -- I decided that my anniversary present to him would be not bringing up his drinking, his attitude and/or how these things have made me feel about a) myself, b) him, c) our marriage. So far, so good! All I've got to do is hold out through this evening, and we're going to watch a Star Track movie so there shouldn't be a lot of room for communication. Plus, I already got the crying out of the way at Al-Anon.

Yes, I cried at Al-Anon. Yes, I was the only one who cried at Al-Anon. Yes, the meeting was large and full of enough people with enough reasons to cry.

The thing is, I am sad about this anniversary. It is depressing to think that we have been married for only two years and we are this unhappy - that I am so unhappy. I don't feel any romantic, anniversary-type feelings toward my husband and I don't believe he feels any toward me. Of course, I am allowing myself to feel self-righteous about this because HE is the one who lied and hid alcohol. HE is the one that did this major damage. I feel I should have permission to not be romantic, offer romantic gestures of some sort, and that he (in his guilty state) should make up for my lack of emotion, should try to win me over in some way, should do some great romantic gesture that convinces me everything will be okay and we can be happy together. Obviously, he's done no such thing - and considering that all he's asked me to do is watch a Star Track movie, I don't think he's planned something incredibly inspiring for this evening. He doesn't feel this dynamic, this in-the-dog-house-ness the same way that I do. How could he? Unfortunately, realizing that he doesn't feel the same as I do, that he probably doesn't even have a clue about my expectations, doesn't keep me from wanting it all the same. Realizing it certainly doesn't keep me from being depressed about my unmet expectations.

Since, I promised myself that my present to him would be not forcing a discussion of problems, I won't explain my expectations to him. Still, they sit like a cloud over me, keeping me from enjoying what I might enjoy about him. Instead of talking to him about something he won't appreciate or understand, I cry at an Al-Anon meeting.

This isn't exactly what I'd call an enlightening entry. But I do believe that my expectations (and the inevitable disappointments they carry) and related to will, and at the meeting this Socrates quote was introduced, “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.”

Well, Socrates, I can say that at this point the tragedy I'm dealing with is not getting my heart's desire. The problem is I want to be married to someone I can trust, who I feel understands me, who is not an alcoholic - but I am married to X. I realize that the conditions of the marriage or the state of the people in it are not going to change in a day, but I can't help being mentally and emotionally opposed to how things stand now (even though I know that accepting the current state of things is the necessary first step towards them getting better). 

Today has just felt like such an empty anniversary. I have mostly hurt and disappointment in my heart and I really hope this is not the reality next year. I want to love with honesty, abandon, and trust - and want to be loved that way in return.