Life in a Library of Babel?

I didn't write yesterday because I spent Friday evening alphabetizing my collection of books and dusting. It seemed imperative that I do these things. Why? Probably, I am trying desperately to get certain aspects of my life under control, since so many aspects are out of my control. This is what you do, when you're married to an alcoholic, I guess. You alphabetize things. You dust.

I miss having one of my favorite poetry books near me - so I will probably have to shift some things in this arrangement, but overall I feel better. I have always lived with a certain degree of disorganization, it's actually how I work best. But I'm beginning to realize that what I enjoy or get creativity from is a certain degree of chaos on the surface; a desk strewn with the books that are currently inspiring me, the opportunity to stand up and dance, painting materials not too far from hand. But underneath all of that opportunity, I need order. That way, I can feel like someone reading life in a fantastic library, maybe something like Borges's Library of Babel.

I can pull anything from the shelves of my life, of my home, to play with, read, enjoy -- but overall there is organization. To my left and to my right, before me and behind me, there is the expanse of the library in order and waiting to be discovered (or left alone).

I used to think of myself too much of a "free spirit" for this type of organization. I saw it as structure and structure as limiting. I viewed creativity and structure as opposed.

*Now, having the chaos of alcoholism so fully present in my life has made me aware that the strain that comes with chaos - this type of chaos - is worse for creativity than structure or organization because it limits your mental energy and range. Your mind is not open to wandering through the shelves of the Library of Babel because it is confused, it is burdened.

Well, I'm working on unburdening myself - regardless of what my husband does with his drinking. I'm starting to see the type of life I want to make for myself and my daughter and I'm excited by the idea of building this organization to sustain us both.


*Actually, this presence is not new, it's just my conscious awareness to it (the alcoholism has been there for years, and years - both in my husband and myself).