First Days, First Week

About a minute ago, I created this blog. I created it to have a space where I can write about my adventures (wait, adventures, I'm already trying to be cute), what I should say is my time with or my shitty experiences with an alcoholic husband.

On Sunday, May 18th he told me he had been drinking again, and hiding it again, which I both knew and didn't know. This is the thing about being with an alcoholic, or being in a relationship with someone who hides things or lies. You think you are the one being crazy when you suspect what is actually the truth. In my case, this is complicated by the fact that I suspect myself of being an alcoholic (but this is a whole separate -but connected- animal that I'm not ready to get in to right now). Stick around, read on, or follow the blog for more on that. 

What I'm dealing with now is my husband's lies and his drinking and what I'm going to do about it all - for myself and so after we talked Sunday night I found an Al-Anon meeting Monday evening and got an appointment with my counselor for Tuesday afternoon. So, in response to his confessions as of Sunday I have been to two Al-Anon visits and one shrink appointment. From here on out I will call my counselor a shrink even though this is not a necessarily accurate description of the kind and intelligent woman who I speak to once or twice a month. I use the word shrink in an endearing and respectful way, and I realize there is a difference between what she offers and psychiatrists and psychoanalysts provide. The point is, as of writing this blog post I am two al-anon meetings and one shrink visit in to my rebellion against life as it was or has been. 

I'm starting this blog for myself - but I hope that it also serves as a resource for other women who find themselves in similar situations. To clarify what that situation is, for me: I'm 32, I have a one and a half year old daughter and I'm married to an alcoholic who sometimes thinks he is an alcoholic and sometimes (maybe more often times) thinks I am blowing things out of proportion. Sometimes I may respond with extreme emotion to his behavior, I admit, but here are two facts: In February was drunk, lied about it, and proceeded to risk both our lives driving home from the airport over icy roads. I was sober, he had drunk/flew his way from New York to Mississippi. In November, he was so passed out drunk in the bed that he struck our nature as I was breastfeeding her in bed. When he did finally come out of the stupor  he got up from the bed and began to ask about our daughter, not cognizant of the fact that she was lying beside me. This was the night before Thanksgiving, I did not feel there was a lot to be grateful for - in regard to my choice in partners - that particular holiday. 

But I digress, which I am sure to do frequently, but this first blog I just wanted to do an introduction. I am using a pen name - but that is all I'm making up. I will not write of anything personal that is discussed at Al-Anon meetings, except for that relating to my person. Oh, and I'm hoping to use this blog to decide whether or not to divorce my husband. I told him I would do so if he drank again, I don't currently have plans to do so - and he is pulling into the drive way right now.