This got me thinking about how humility could be part of the problem. Admitting the powerlessness part of, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol" is not easy. It's human nature to think we have power over things, over ourselves or at least certain aspects of our lives (like what we eat for breakfast or whom we decide to marry). But I wonder how much control I really do have. Right now, it seems like not much. And the upside to this is, if I give up some of my ideas about how much power I have over my life, then I can start to take some responsibility off myself, and consequently some guilt! I am bolding things tonight. I think I'm doing this because they are things I need to remember or convince myself of.
In some sense, powerlessness can be a good thing. That is, as long as it's not being used as an excuse to not deal with reality. But that's the trick, knowing the difference between when you are healthily admitting your powerlessness and when you are claiming powerlessness to attempt to hide from a situation or reality. I suppose that when you've mastered this you can declare yourself an expert on the serenity prayer. I am currently stuck on not "knowing the difference" but at least this is a step up from just having the courage to change the things I can or cannot change and not attempting to see any difference.And there's a decent amount of humility needed to accept things you cannot change. It seems to mean you have to look at certain aspects of the world and say, that is beyond me and my abilities. That's not something many stubborn people like to admit, and I'll admit I am very stubborn.
Step 2 says "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." And it reminds me of someone at Al-Anon speaking of how when they began Al-Anon, they started, by chance, with the second step. They said it was fate because if they had tried to start with the first step, they probably never would have continued with the group. In their case, hearing and learning the second step before the first helped them along. I wonder if this might be the route for me, too.
In One Day at a Time's reading for today, it says, "My despair may have been so great that I had lost the faith I once had--the complete, surrendering faith in something beyond myself." And although I haven't had a formal construction of God, with a capital G, for quite some time, I have, for most of my life, held some innate faith in an organization that was beyond me and my simple or complex, immediate or future tense desires. I knew I was small, specific and not insignificant, but minor in the scheme of the cosmos. In some ways, I realized I was along for the ride. And I could enjoy the ride.
I'm not sure when this changed. I think it had something to do with marriage and the birth of my daughter. Both events seemed to change my perspective on agency. I chose to marry my husband. Although, typing it out, I can tell I am not being completely honest, I did have misgivings about marrying him, we fight, we are opposites, he can be cold, etc. But something in my gut told me that I was going to marry him, and that it was not the wrong thing to do. Something bigger than me seemed to decide it. This has been true of every major decision in my life, and I haven't been led too far astray, yet. Thank, 'a higher Power'. I suppose I am answering my own concerns about Step 2 here. Maybe it will be as easy as admitting that deep down I already believe a higher power is at work in my life, in all life. I could accept that and realize I don't really need to convince myself. There's a comforting, if not effortless, idea.
No comments:
Post a Comment