I haven't posted in a while (a week?) because I took my daughter on a couple of short vacations. First, was an easy one-night trip to a friend's lake house in Louisiana. It was a ladies weekend that turned into a mommy and kid sleepover, but it was good practice for A and I. The short trip was a dry-run for our three night trip with flights and family and more solo caregiving for me. Getting away from X and our home actually did help me get mentally away from our domestic problems. I didn't, as I thought I would, spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not he was drinking while we were away. Of course, I thought of it, but not as often as I would have thought. Traveling with a little one requires you to have constant attention on them, so having A as my travel buddy definitely helped a lot. She also helped by being incredibly cute and flexible through all the travels. She and the family and friends we visited with while traveling really allowed me to experience some uncomplicated joy - the type of joy you are not thinking through but just experiencing directly. I guess this is just real joy and I haven't experienced it for a long, long time around my husband.
Maybe everything that's happened between us - the fights, the disappointments, the criticisms - have been working upon us both for so long that we're not able to free our minds enough to enjoy experiencing each other. It think this is part of the problem, but who knows?
I do know that after being away from each other for almost a week, there was no loving reception between my husband and I. Sure it was late and we were both tired, but on the way home from the airport last night there was a lot of awkward silence. It was a two hour drive and at first I accepted the silenced, then I decided that I could get over him not seeming to really care about me or my experiences and began to babble on about my family and the four days A and I had just spent with them. This felt slightly more intimate than if I had been talking to a taxi driver who didn't know or care too much about me or my family.
But there was one hopeful disclosure. He said a couple weeks ago that he couldn't respond to some things I've brought up until later, that he needed time to think and that he wouldn't be ready to talk until after these trips. On the drive home I said, I know it is late and it won't happen tonight, but I'm ready to talk whenever you are. He responded by saying he could talk tomorrow.
Today he says the conversation will take a while, so we can talk tonight. This morning I dreamt he was in love with someone else, who was not in love with him, who never-the-less he wanted to leave me for. Today, his coldness convinces me he's ready for divorce. He is disinterested, distance and I know he has a disease, but I haven't really excepted it in a way that doesn't make all his actions (or lack of action, in this case) feel very personal. His detachment hurts.
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